The Flowers Type and the Marrying Kind (As Originally written 1/29/18)

Once, I wrote an article on my old site that no longer exists and it was entitled “The Flowers Type and the Marrying Kind”, sound familiar? Lol… I chose to “revamp” this title because before I was single, living alone in Vegas at 27 yrs old, and ready for love. I hadn’t yet had my daughter, and honesty don’t think I knew what real life adult love as. I had read it in books, seen it in movies, and swore I had adult relationships that were very mature before, but in all honesty they were childsplay to what I was about to go through. A tumultuous love story, of heartache and sorrow, and a cute kid to boot. I had no idea this was coming. 

Now that I’ve been through my version of “it all”, I see that proclaiming myself as not being the “flowers type or the marrying kind” was simply a way of me saying that no one has ever made me feel as such in a relationship. I was allowing fuckboys to run all over my heart and not even buy me flowers! Hotep ass negros would give excuses on birthdays and holidays that they don’t celebrate those “European traditions” when the reality is they hadn’t paid enough attention to me as they had “the struggle” and either didn’t know what to buy, or didn’t have the money. I quickly realized this wasn’t at the fault of only the men though. I was greatly at fault for allowing to it happen for so long, and putting that type of energy out there that it’s ok because I’m not that type of girl anyway. When in reality if a man had bought me flowers on Valentine’s Day I’d cry tears of joy and swear he’s the love of my life. This sad fact lead me to a realization… I was lying to myself. You can lie to the world for sure, but you can only lie to yourself for so long. 

So, what was I to do with all of this? Wait for some type of prince charming to just show up in my I only go outside to grocery shop ass life? Plan a wedding with no man in sight? Actually, the latter was kinda fun to do. I created way too many private Pinterest boards and realized I wasn’t the only one out here pinning my life away, but I digress. 

What this newfound knowledge brought me was clarity. A chance to see any man who had entered my life from that day forward for what he is. The first was an ex-love. We had been together prior, but never had sex. I had found out he was engaged and he strung me along for sometime believing he’d leave here because I, his true love, was back in his life. I wasn’t so wise as I thought. He married her. Said he had made a promise to her and couldn’t break it. So, basically damn all the promises he’d made me. I understood, and bowed out gracefully. Felt a bit foolish, but I learned something. Marriage and commitment still exists in some men’s lives. He strayed from her yes, but never in a way that jeopardize their union even though he longed to do so. He stood by his word and let me know this was all a mistake. We both agreed we had been caught up in nostalgia and what could’ve been. It wasn’t real, but it was a lesson. The marrying kind of man still exists and someday it’ll be for me. 

The next couple of instances were lustful. I desired a man to live my life with, but I also had other desires. Both still taught me lessons. One was very mindful that I was a mother. He loved my daughter and always acknowledged how if this were to ever become more, he’d be honored to be in her life as well. He knew her father would be around, but he’d also be present and planned to be an active stepfather if need be. I had never thought about this. As a woman raised by only women, I never realized the love of a man as a father figure was so important. I never had a stepfather, or knew a man would, or I should say, desired to voluntarily take that ole because  never had it. That fact that he presented this opened my heart to him in a new way, as well as my mind. I realized that even if we don’t get that far, that is something I need from a man. Someone who will accept my daughter as his own, yet still respect that she has a father. It didn’t work out, but I learned what I needed.

The other guy did the same which I loved, but he also awakened a mental stimulation inside of me that had been sleep since about 2014. I mean I clearly had someone stimulating me since, but it’s here and there & if I’m being honest, not in a way I needed. We couldn’t have a political debate because it’ll be more of an argument...I’m right and you’re wrong… period! That can be exhausting, especially after a long period of time. I loved that this guy enjoyed me in that way, but when it came to passion, he lacked. Passion, for me, needed to be more than cerebral. I needed it to be primal. A Tarzan and Jane type vibe behind closed doors. This wasn’t it. He practically asked me to flip over during sex one time and I COULD NOT DEAL! We’ve since had to respectfully part ways. 

I’m now in a relationship where I’m getting all of the above and I don’t know what to do with myself. We literally started it all at the top of the year, so all of the years events and holidays will be the first for us. So far it’s been amazing, but isn’t everything in the first months and thrills of love? We’ll see how it all progresses, but I tell you one thing. Marriage has been a topic quite a bit an neither of us have backed away in fear. It seems I may definitely be the marrying kind after all. We’re taking it slow and seeing where it goes, but as Valentine’s Day approaches we’ve planned a tentative date (depending upon his work schedule) and there’s been talk of gifts and flowers to the house if we can’t be together. I always thought that was so material and not the way one shows love, but I learned over the years it’s not the ONLY way one shows love, but it is a form of affection. This is something I’ve literally had to learn in life. I didn’t see or know it growing up, so life’s lessons have lead me to a space where I can live and experience love in a way I’ve never known, but know I absolutely deserve.