A&W, an Homage to my Inner Sacral Goddess
The song American Whore (A&W) has been playing non-stop in my head and ultimately my heart. I’m now playing it literally in my ears, right now, and I just can’t get enough of it. I’m not even crazy about having songs on repeat, but this is one of those ones! Probably the only one at this point. I literally don’t repeat any song as much as I have this one. And right now nothing else is really on my radar.
Why is this important though? Well, Lana has been in life since she came on the scene. Once addicted to the melodic voice of Amy Winehouse, you can imagine how hurt I was when she was dead at 27, & I felt like maybe since her demons caught up to her, mine were coming next. It was a terrifying time, personally, but I found myself again, in my writing, my friends, and the music I listened to. Or maybe just another sad part of me emerged. A different type of sadness? Either way I now had a new soundtrack. The soundtrack to a spirit that awakened in me when I was very young. I was older now, over 21, and ready to accept the woman that had been dying to get out my whole life. I’ve fought her off because she was labeled as a negative figure in this life.
I loooooved labels! Lol... that’s not popular to admit, and “bad to say”, but it’s my truth. I grew up in Los Angeles, California as a “poor black girl” (or so negatively labeled) bouncing between South Central L.A., Hawthorne, and Inglewood, as far as the neighborhoods my mom and I would live in from year to year. Those of you from L.A. understand these all L.A. County, but they are not all the same places. I love my city deep and saw a lot of different sides of it. These moves and constant change happened to be in my most formative years, so I was highly influenced by the beautiful fashions I saw on the DAILY around me! People in each area I lived in wore whatever they wanted, and it always seemed that money was just never an object to them. I often tell clients and friends how I didn’t know I was considered “poor” until I got around 10 when we moved to Kansas briefly, and really learned about social classes and just how divided we were all, and why. Although to be honest, the how came WAY before the why, but I digress. Anyway, everyone was hot and no one was without, so I saw labels as my right of passage. I literally thought my mom was simply just un-stylish for the longest, not realizing most of the people I saw were “getting it” in ways unimaginable to her. Nevertheless, between them, celebs (that back then I’d literally see a few in person, often at Universal City Walk), and the many, many, many movies I consumed each week my love for labels grew into an obsession.
By the time I was a pre-teen I was fully submerged with a fashion obsession, but so was my depression. It grew every day and so did I. I was tall, overweight, and battling something people didn’t even think children suffered from at the time, especially black children. It was more like “get over it and go read the bible”. So, I suffered for years in silence thinking this was normal. Because I was an empath as well, one thing I knew was, when it came to my friends, “we all were suffering, so as long as it’s together, it’s ok”. A lie I told myself often. I literally couldn’t fit the labels I desired so much, but somehow I still fit in with the people who did, and at the time, for a long time, that was enough. I learned and understood how, because of other more obvious insecurities, to dwell in multiple groups of friends. This was another gem from moving from place to place. You learn different types of people & how they can teach you a part of yourself you didn’t know existed. Also how, and when to bring it out. A mastery I truly must attribute to my mother.
With all that said, this Lilith energy, laid dormant inside of me for years. Only to awaken in my most, let’s say, “frisky” moments. The way things were in my head, it was very ok for me to live out my “fantasy life” if it was with someone who I desired and they desired me. Consent was always very important for me even though I realized quickly that wasn’t always the case for the other party, but that’s another story for another day. This energy desired to be “outside” un a big way, and Lana gave her the battery in the back she needed for so long. Adding to the Marilyn flair I’ve always felt in my heart, I thought what better way to channel the energy than to listen to a voice that reminded me of a young Marilyn of my generation. It was the girl I felt I was inside. Now over 10 years later, and here I am anticipating her album, and now putting to rest that very girl. She laid dormant for so long, then ran ramped for the time thereafter. The love and gratitude I have for her will never die. She too will never die! Just choose to live in a place within me that only the highest form of myself can access. She’s not always needed front and center, and she now knows when and where to get her rest. A&W is a reminder that she still lives, an ode to her. Help her when you see her in others. Tend to her needs when you feel her pulling at you because she’s not at all who you think she is. She’s not the sick, nasty, filthy whore you think she is. She’s a sacred being living out a spiritual warfare you can’t even imagine. She’s saving a life, saving a nation with just a conversation. Nothing is literal in this life. Least of all the songs we decide to consume.
“Your mom called I told her you’re fu*king up big time...”
The last and my FAV part of this song is just a prime example why you should never just turn your back on your so-called “side piece”. They’re not all created equal.
